After eighteen failed attempts over the span of about fifteen years, England have won a test Down Under. I had a fabulous Christmas with J and Laura, caught some Big Bash cricket with Chris, went out on the lash with Ludvik, and caught up over terrific coffee with Gee in Melbourne.

But, most pressingly, again, England have won a test match Down Under.

With that in mind, I’d like to open this particularly blog post with an apology to those of you who were on the receiving end of a drunken video call at the close of the second day. I was pretty drunk and pretty delighted. I do not, as I may have suggested during those calls, want ‘FOUR MORE YEARS OF BAZBALL’. I am, in fact, still keen on his getting the sack.

Nor, as I may have yelled at the top of my lungs, think that the ‘people’s stadium’ of Melbourne ‘belongs to us’. I am, in fact, confident that such claims render me a bit of a dick of the Englishman abroad variety.

Anyway-  England have won a test match Down Under. Christ is born.

An Agatha Christiemas

Hanging out with J and Laura was a real treat and they made me feel incredibly welcome over Christmas. We ended up going hard on the murder mystery theme with back to back evening viewings of ‘Knives Out: Glass Onion’ (superb high camp fun) and ‘Knives Out: Wake Up Dead Man’ (barely enough to keep me awake- utter drivel); followed by countless games of ‘Agatha Christie’s Death on the Cards’. We were a bit shit at this as rather than playing the cards in front of us, most suspicions and accusations were thrown about based on our knowledge of one another’s personalities- aka, what with me being a smarmy git, I was regularly accused of being the murderer despite never holding that card. Laura’s Christmas dinner was deliciousness on a plate and, despite the weather, it had all the feelings of a home Christmas minus any rows or shite British telly.

J, who had previously informed me that Canberra was the Australian version of Milton Keynes (tad harsh on the Aussie capital to be honest) played tour guide for the week and we took in both the new and old Parliament houses, the Botanical gardens, the war memorials, and the many pleasant open walkways along the rivers.

The new Parliament featured an array of portraits of former Prime Ministers including personal favourite Paul Keating (see photo below). The gift shop, and who doesn’t love a gift shop especially in any country’s legislative assembly, carried pins featuring the faces of said former Premiers. Got one with Paul’s mug on it. Left the Howard and Abbot’s untouched. Obvs.

Oh and we played Christmas Eve mini-golf which I went into unabashedly determined to win. I didn’t. Shock. Fumin’.

Naturally it hasn’t been a complete break from cricket and I hit up my fourth of five cricket grounds in Canberra for a Big Bash match (an abomination to the game of cricket) with Chris. Despite the obvious limitations of the limited over game (an abomination) and the abuse I copped for foolishly wearing my ECB bucket hat, a really good time was had- not least of all catching up with the aforementioned Chris (whose reaction to England going on to win the Melbourne test was exactly what you’d expect from an Aussie…)

I have managed to maintain something resembling a running routine on my travels which has also proven to be a great way of getting to know some of the cities I’ve been in. Unfortunately, I am clearly not running enough as the weight gain continues its steady march upon my gut, my thighs, and my jowls. My knees are pissed off at me. Must try harder.

The Boxing Day test: The Melbourne supremacy

O come, all ye faithful, nervous and deflated,
O come ye, O come ye to the MCG!
Come, and behold them, two down in this series!

Refrain
O come, let us adore them;
O come, let us adore them;
O come, let us adore them, England, won a test!

Joe of Root, Ben of Stokes,
lo, they abhor not the patient bat;
very Baz, begotten not forgotten; [Refrain]

Swing, batsman of the open; swing in desperation;
swing, all ye batsman of Australia and England!
Glory to Baz, all glory in the highest! [Refrain]

Yea, Baz, we greet Thee, won this happy evening;
Test win, to thee be all glory giv’n!
Word of Geoff Boycott, now in print disappearing! [Refrain]

Long story short: England won a test. I was there. With Ludvik. Who got us a spot in a box. Which was very posh. We got really drunk. Made new friends. Passed out in his flat earlyish doors watching clips from the ‘Death of Stalin’ and ‘The Thick of It’. Superb.

Melbourne again on the fourth of July (or earlier)?

Ludvik was a superb host and ensured that we went off to the second and final day of the fourth test hungover to high heaven. A full day of drinking on said second day but passing out nice and early (apologies again to those on the receiving end of my phone calls) meant I was up bright and early for a hearty brunch and long stroll with my dear friend Gee.

Melbourne is a decidedly cool city (much cooler than Sydney) and my first regret of this trip (of which I am sure there are MANY to come) is that I didn’t schedule another time in really exploring the city. I’ll be coming back here again for sure, and I would hope before the next Ashes down here.

I have now been in Ho Chi Minh City the last few days and have begun exploring the city. It’s bonkers. More on that to come.

Happy New Year folks.